Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
