it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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