I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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