so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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