Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
