Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
