I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How drunk are you?
Completed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
