You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
