I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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