is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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