He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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