its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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