sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
