I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
