someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
