I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
