My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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