One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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