i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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