i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
