and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
