first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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