life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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