If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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