i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
