my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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