You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's blow job season.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
