Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
