I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
