and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Randomize
