he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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