I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
