The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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