this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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