sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
