there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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