I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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