i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
