She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
