My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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