dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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