I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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