I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
