Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
