Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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