the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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