Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
