All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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