Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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