nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
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After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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