he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
