that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
