If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Found the puke drawer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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