i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
