Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
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I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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