the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
