I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
