It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The uberlube is also flammable
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
