The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just pee around me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
