nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i out mim tonsoeep
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