also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish I only lived at night.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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