Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
