sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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